Okay, long time! I'm in London now and having a fabulous time. After a short relationship with an Australian-Englishman, I've decided to join a dating web site here called 'mysinglefriend.com'. Nutshell, someone refers you so this is intended to prove that you are 'okay'. Interesting concept.
My referral is from the lovely Sarah. She's a terrific friend, smart, interesting - and a writer to boot! In fact, it's SO well written, I'm thinking that everyone will want to date HER, not me! Here it is:
'Ellen is an absolute joy to spend time with as a friend. Not only smart and funny, she’s always smiling, upbeat and positive…and to be honest I’m rather envious of those amazing Californian teeth. Having spent the last few years hiking around the canyons of Laguna, she’s super fit and didn’t complain once when I dragged her off cycling through central London to The Gun in Docklands – a round trip of some 27 miles – and let’s not forget this was on the wrong side of the road!
Now a brilliant London hostess, Ellen knows her way around a wine list and is a superb cook. She likes the finer things in life (come on, who doesn’t!) and has travelled the world extensively both for business and pleasure. She works hard and plays hard but still makes time to see the grown-up sons she clearly adores and of whom she is justifiably proud.
If you take Ellen out she won’t stand for sloppy service in restaurants, but don’t worry, she’s diplomatic enough to make her point without being brutal.
What also will come as a nice surprise to you gentlemen out there is that Ellen definitely does not suffer from that weird false saccharine sweetness which can sometimes put men off American women (yes all you British men out there, you know that makes you cringe!). When she pays you a compliment she will genuinely mean it.
How refreshing.'
Okay, now I cannot top that. It took me almost 2 weeks to decide what to say in my own profile. I finally just bit the bullet and wrote something. So, I start exploring. Oh brother! Here is the first recommendation I read:
Alex has this to say about David:
'David is a sincere, reliable, easy going and a trust worthy person. He is approximate 5'11 tall, aged 50 and lives in Central London, U.K. He is self employed and non-smoker. He is a pet owner. He owns his own flat.'
Um, wow. I'm underwhelmed. He is a pet owner and owns his own flat? Oh, introduce me! I simply can't wait!
This is too funny. We'll see what happens next!
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Saturday, May 8, 2010
I was really looking forward to a date with David. He’s the guy with the really great sense of humor that I mentioned earlier. In his profile, under “The most important thing David is looking for in a person is:” His response? “never abducted by aliens”. The “things David can’t live without:”, his response is “a good sunset, good company, a good meal, a good drink, a good woman or a bad one”. Too funny! He’s a corporate controller and is 46 years old. How does he “typically spend his leasure time”? “Spending time with family and friends, tinkering, travel & exploring”. Okay, so I reach out to him. We get through the ‘guided communication’ and start to send email via eHarmony.
In my email, I start by asking him if he goes by David or Dave. His response? “I usually go by David, hey you, or excuse me sir. Rarely do I go by Fred.” We agree to meet for a drink during cocktail hour on a week night. I am happy so excited! He’s funny and we seem to have a lot of common interests. He’s an amateur chef! Wow… very cool.
As I walk up to the restaurant, he’s standing in front. He recognizes me from my pictures and waves. I smile. As we sit down and order drinks, I ask him to tell me more about his job. He works for small holding company and is involved in acquisitions. Great! I say, “Oh, I work with acquisitions as well!” Blank look. He continues, telling me about his career in general. We move to vacations. He likes to scuba so I ask him to share more about this. He was in Hawaii, Big Island, and I hear about his scuba adventure there. I tell him, “Hey! I was on the Big Island last year. I loved it!” “Oh, great.” No questions, no interest. And he’s not really that funny either.
Okay, this is so strange. He has spent 30 minutes talking about himself and has asked me nothing. I know all about his parents, his sister, his job, his vacations – but he knows nothing about me. It becomes a game for me. I ask him questions and pepper him with opportunities to learn more about me. “You took your niece on a trip to Vegas? I took my kids there after Christmas to see a show.” Nothing. “Your mother worked in an interesting job in the defense industry? My mother started working when I went to high school.” Silence. Wowwww…
After a while, I tire of this game. I am disappointed and really can’t wait to leave. As we walk out, David says that it would be fun to get together again. I say, “Sure, send me a note.” Wimp, wimp, wimp!! However, when he does write, it’s very easy for me to respond: “Hi, David. I don't think it makes sense for us to see each other again. Good luck to you!” Ahhhh. It feels good to be able to be more direct. I’m learning!!
In my email, I start by asking him if he goes by David or Dave. His response? “I usually go by David, hey you, or excuse me sir. Rarely do I go by Fred.” We agree to meet for a drink during cocktail hour on a week night. I am happy so excited! He’s funny and we seem to have a lot of common interests. He’s an amateur chef! Wow… very cool.
As I walk up to the restaurant, he’s standing in front. He recognizes me from my pictures and waves. I smile. As we sit down and order drinks, I ask him to tell me more about his job. He works for small holding company and is involved in acquisitions. Great! I say, “Oh, I work with acquisitions as well!” Blank look. He continues, telling me about his career in general. We move to vacations. He likes to scuba so I ask him to share more about this. He was in Hawaii, Big Island, and I hear about his scuba adventure there. I tell him, “Hey! I was on the Big Island last year. I loved it!” “Oh, great.” No questions, no interest. And he’s not really that funny either.
Okay, this is so strange. He has spent 30 minutes talking about himself and has asked me nothing. I know all about his parents, his sister, his job, his vacations – but he knows nothing about me. It becomes a game for me. I ask him questions and pepper him with opportunities to learn more about me. “You took your niece on a trip to Vegas? I took my kids there after Christmas to see a show.” Nothing. “Your mother worked in an interesting job in the defense industry? My mother started working when I went to high school.” Silence. Wowwww…
After a while, I tire of this game. I am disappointed and really can’t wait to leave. As we walk out, David says that it would be fun to get together again. I say, “Sure, send me a note.” Wimp, wimp, wimp!! However, when he does write, it’s very easy for me to respond: “Hi, David. I don't think it makes sense for us to see each other again. Good luck to you!” Ahhhh. It feels good to be able to be more direct. I’m learning!!
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Date #2: Franz
Franz is very open and easy to communicate with. He’s a furniture designer and is German. I mean, FROM Germany and his only been in the US for a few years. Given that I'm enamored with Europe, this is a good thing in my mind. We move through the ‘guided communication’ and quickly end up in email mode. He’s traveling to India for a couple of weeks to meet with his suppliers. Franz has 2 boys in college, who he adores, and seems quite anxious for us to get together. He responds almost immediately to my notes and he is delightful. He asks my opinion on his furniture creations and we have a lively exchange. We decide to meet for lunch when he returns.
I arrive at the restaurant and he has brought me a lovely pashmina from India. Franz is a good looking man and very animated. I like him immediately. We order lunch and start talking.
We talk a lot about our jobs. He loves his work and is very creative, which I think is great. He is quite successful and creative. Franz’s sons have just been home for spring break and he has LOVED being with them. He begins to share a story about Wolfgang. Franz has found condoms in Wolfgang’s things. Franz tells me of his exchange with his son: “Wolfgang, you must respect the woman.” I’m feeling uncomfortable but I maintain eye contact. “Always remember, Wolfgang, the woman is the host.” HUH? Did you just stay that? The host of what? OHHHHH. Um, okay. He babbles on as I consider crawling under the table but it passes and we move on to other topics.
While we talk, he reaches over and asks me if he can hold my hand – which he does. I’m quite uncomfortable with this and begin to look around the room to see if there is anyone that I know in the area. I agree but quickly find a reason to scratch my head and my hand disappears under the able, never to be seen again.
A friend has given him a book to read, which he devoured on the flight to India. It’s about the five languages of love. Maybe you have heard about it – I have but have not read it. Franz starts to share this with me in his very German accent. “There is giving of gifts, touch, acts of service…” I smile and lean forward with interest but I feel a strong sense of doom. He continues: “I think to myself, how do I want to receive love? I being to eliminate things – I don’t need gifts…” I am growing more uncomfortable. I want to float over the table and disappear. But, again, I maintain eye contact, smile, and he continues… “I think to myself, ‘Franz, how do I want someone to fill my love cup?’”. Your love cup? Okay, I’m the ‘host’ and he has a ‘love cup’. I’m just not feeling it now.
Everything after that is a blur. I have to say that I am looking for an emotionally available, communicative person so the system seems to be working. But this may be a bit extreme for me. I just want to leave. When we do go, I don’t have the heart to tell him that I don’t want to see him again. He sends me email and wants to get together again 2 days later and, in the meantime, would love it if I showed up at his local bar that night. I reply that I don’t think ‘it makes sense’ for us to see each other again. He sends me a note saying that he has doubts as well so it’s all for the better. I feel like a jerk.
I arrive at the restaurant and he has brought me a lovely pashmina from India. Franz is a good looking man and very animated. I like him immediately. We order lunch and start talking.
We talk a lot about our jobs. He loves his work and is very creative, which I think is great. He is quite successful and creative. Franz’s sons have just been home for spring break and he has LOVED being with them. He begins to share a story about Wolfgang. Franz has found condoms in Wolfgang’s things. Franz tells me of his exchange with his son: “Wolfgang, you must respect the woman.” I’m feeling uncomfortable but I maintain eye contact. “Always remember, Wolfgang, the woman is the host.” HUH? Did you just stay that? The host of what? OHHHHH. Um, okay. He babbles on as I consider crawling under the table but it passes and we move on to other topics.
While we talk, he reaches over and asks me if he can hold my hand – which he does. I’m quite uncomfortable with this and begin to look around the room to see if there is anyone that I know in the area. I agree but quickly find a reason to scratch my head and my hand disappears under the able, never to be seen again.
A friend has given him a book to read, which he devoured on the flight to India. It’s about the five languages of love. Maybe you have heard about it – I have but have not read it. Franz starts to share this with me in his very German accent. “There is giving of gifts, touch, acts of service…” I smile and lean forward with interest but I feel a strong sense of doom. He continues: “I think to myself, how do I want to receive love? I being to eliminate things – I don’t need gifts…” I am growing more uncomfortable. I want to float over the table and disappear. But, again, I maintain eye contact, smile, and he continues… “I think to myself, ‘Franz, how do I want someone to fill my love cup?’”. Your love cup? Okay, I’m the ‘host’ and he has a ‘love cup’. I’m just not feeling it now.
Everything after that is a blur. I have to say that I am looking for an emotionally available, communicative person so the system seems to be working. But this may be a bit extreme for me. I just want to leave. When we do go, I don’t have the heart to tell him that I don’t want to see him again. He sends me email and wants to get together again 2 days later and, in the meantime, would love it if I showed up at his local bar that night. I reply that I don’t think ‘it makes sense’ for us to see each other again. He sends me a note saying that he has doubts as well so it’s all for the better. I feel like a jerk.
Date #1: BOB
First, let me make it clear that names are changed to protect the innocent. I mean, these guys are going to a LOT of trouble to find someone and I’m about to ‘tell all’. So…
Bob seems like a good guy. He’s 54, 5’10” and his occupation? “Own 3 companies on Southern California.” That’s cool. How does Bob spend his leisure time? “Finding new restaurants in amazing locations...Travel to places I have on my to-see to see what the world is all about.” Restaurants? Travel? Sounds pretty good.
So he reaches out through the ‘guided communication’ with a few questions. They are all appropriate – and about socializing and going out, which is great. Here’s an example of a question he chose and my response:
If you were taken by your date to a party where you knew no one, how would you respond?
A) stay close to my date, letting him/her introduce me
B) find a spot at the back bar and relax alone, letting him/her work the room
C) strike out on my own, introducing myself and making friends
D) I would ask my partner if I could skip this particular event
I chose to create my own response:
E) I'm very social so comfortable in this setting. Assuming this is a party with your friends, I would let you take the lead on how we would 'work the room'.
Now, I send him some questions. Examples:
Where do you see yourself living in 15 years?
A) a nice apartment in the city
B) a house in the suburbs
C) a house in a small town
D) a house in the country
His reply:
I WILL have a place at the beach in south OC AND a home in Lake Tahoe, on the Nevada side...
Oh, nice…
We continue to communicate and ultimately decide to go out. (Gulp) In preparation for this event I need to tell you that my profile lists 5 things I ‘can’t do without’ as:
• Purpose - Doing something well and contributing
• Positive environment - The room & the people in it
• Music - Music colors my mood
• Chips & salsa - Can't stop once I start!
• Companionship and connection
So… it’s date day and we’re meeting for lunch at a very nice local spot. There is mass chaos at my house that morning, of course, as my son is leaving to go back to school from spring break. I was expecting him to be gone sooner but he’s still here, in need of some help so as I am putting on make up and fixing my hair, I’m also helping him get his stuff in the car and feeling guilty about ‘shooing’ him off so that I can make it to my date on time. Argh!
I’m absolutely mortified. I’m nervous, not sure I’m wearing the right thing (Tammy helped me decide!) and would like nothing better than to back out of the whole thing. But, I make my way. I walk into the restaurant and the hostess takes me to the table. There is Bob – I recognize him from his photo. He stands up to greet me, gives me a hug and I notice two things. First, there are CHIPS AND SALSA on the table. This restaurant doesn’t have chips and salsa. Oh boy. That is COOL. And the flowers. Beautiful flowers. Ahhh, nice.
So, what is the first thing I say? “Oh my God, I’m so nervous.” Ha! DOOH! But he calms me down and we start talking. VERY nice guy. But.. he looks older than 54, he’s not 5’10 AND, he’s not quite divorced yet. Just separated. Ohhhh.
This is a really good guy. Very nice, easy to talk to, lots in common. But, I’m not attracted to him. It seems that he really does own 3 companies (gorgeous Lexus parked outside) and he has traveled a lot. He has done business with Disney and really likes the company. He name drops a bit – knows Dick Clark and family, had dinner with Simon Cowell recently, knows the Eisner family, etc. But all in all, quite a nice event and since he’s very traditional, no ‘pressure’, if you know what I mean. At the end of the meal, I ask if he wants to split the bill. He says, “No, and don’t ever ask me that again.” I agree to go out with him the next week. He gives me his email: Disneyguy@.... Hmmm. Eisner? Disney?
Bob is taking me to a restaurant at, yes, the Disneyland Resort. Okay, it’s a VERY nice restaurant and high end but I’m suspicious of the Disney angle. He picks me up in a beautiful big black Lexus and as we drive up to the resort, it appears that he knows the valet parking folks. Evidently, he eats here 2-3 times a week! We tour the lobby and pool area as if he owns the place and get to dinner. Absolutely lovely – excellent service (they ARE his friends, after all!), fantastic food and delicious wines. We talk and it’s nice but again, just no attraction for me. I am really looking for a connection and there’s just nothing going on. I search for this because despite my concern about the Disney obsession, this is a very nice guy and he’s such a gentleman. Plus, we have good conversation but it’s just not there. Why is it that you are so attracted to some people and not others? I mean, we all know it’s a mystery but particularly so when you are reaching out to find it.
The evening ends by a big fire place outside where we sit and sip champagne with another couple from Oregon on a Disneyland holiday. Lovely. As we get home, I know that I cannot keep seeing him but don’t say anything. Wimp! When he emails me again about going out, I tell him that I am traveling a lot over the next few weeks (true) and that perhaps we should revisit later. He is gracious in his response. I really need to work on being more honest and up front. I was able to do that with Franz but it’s harder with Bob and it’s not really nice to be too nice. I’m finding that even though I’m 40-something, I have a lot to learn. This is truly a growing experience.
Bob seems like a good guy. He’s 54, 5’10” and his occupation? “Own 3 companies on Southern California.” That’s cool. How does Bob spend his leisure time? “Finding new restaurants in amazing locations...Travel to places I have on my to-see to see what the world is all about.” Restaurants? Travel? Sounds pretty good.
So he reaches out through the ‘guided communication’ with a few questions. They are all appropriate – and about socializing and going out, which is great. Here’s an example of a question he chose and my response:
If you were taken by your date to a party where you knew no one, how would you respond?
A) stay close to my date, letting him/her introduce me
B) find a spot at the back bar and relax alone, letting him/her work the room
C) strike out on my own, introducing myself and making friends
D) I would ask my partner if I could skip this particular event
I chose to create my own response:
E) I'm very social so comfortable in this setting. Assuming this is a party with your friends, I would let you take the lead on how we would 'work the room'.
Now, I send him some questions. Examples:
Where do you see yourself living in 15 years?
A) a nice apartment in the city
B) a house in the suburbs
C) a house in a small town
D) a house in the country
His reply:
I WILL have a place at the beach in south OC AND a home in Lake Tahoe, on the Nevada side...
Oh, nice…
We continue to communicate and ultimately decide to go out. (Gulp) In preparation for this event I need to tell you that my profile lists 5 things I ‘can’t do without’ as:
• Purpose - Doing something well and contributing
• Positive environment - The room & the people in it
• Music - Music colors my mood
• Chips & salsa - Can't stop once I start!
• Companionship and connection
So… it’s date day and we’re meeting for lunch at a very nice local spot. There is mass chaos at my house that morning, of course, as my son is leaving to go back to school from spring break. I was expecting him to be gone sooner but he’s still here, in need of some help so as I am putting on make up and fixing my hair, I’m also helping him get his stuff in the car and feeling guilty about ‘shooing’ him off so that I can make it to my date on time. Argh!
I’m absolutely mortified. I’m nervous, not sure I’m wearing the right thing (Tammy helped me decide!) and would like nothing better than to back out of the whole thing. But, I make my way. I walk into the restaurant and the hostess takes me to the table. There is Bob – I recognize him from his photo. He stands up to greet me, gives me a hug and I notice two things. First, there are CHIPS AND SALSA on the table. This restaurant doesn’t have chips and salsa. Oh boy. That is COOL. And the flowers. Beautiful flowers. Ahhh, nice.
So, what is the first thing I say? “Oh my God, I’m so nervous.” Ha! DOOH! But he calms me down and we start talking. VERY nice guy. But.. he looks older than 54, he’s not 5’10 AND, he’s not quite divorced yet. Just separated. Ohhhh.
This is a really good guy. Very nice, easy to talk to, lots in common. But, I’m not attracted to him. It seems that he really does own 3 companies (gorgeous Lexus parked outside) and he has traveled a lot. He has done business with Disney and really likes the company. He name drops a bit – knows Dick Clark and family, had dinner with Simon Cowell recently, knows the Eisner family, etc. But all in all, quite a nice event and since he’s very traditional, no ‘pressure’, if you know what I mean. At the end of the meal, I ask if he wants to split the bill. He says, “No, and don’t ever ask me that again.” I agree to go out with him the next week. He gives me his email: Disneyguy@.... Hmmm. Eisner? Disney?
Bob is taking me to a restaurant at, yes, the Disneyland Resort. Okay, it’s a VERY nice restaurant and high end but I’m suspicious of the Disney angle. He picks me up in a beautiful big black Lexus and as we drive up to the resort, it appears that he knows the valet parking folks. Evidently, he eats here 2-3 times a week! We tour the lobby and pool area as if he owns the place and get to dinner. Absolutely lovely – excellent service (they ARE his friends, after all!), fantastic food and delicious wines. We talk and it’s nice but again, just no attraction for me. I am really looking for a connection and there’s just nothing going on. I search for this because despite my concern about the Disney obsession, this is a very nice guy and he’s such a gentleman. Plus, we have good conversation but it’s just not there. Why is it that you are so attracted to some people and not others? I mean, we all know it’s a mystery but particularly so when you are reaching out to find it.
The evening ends by a big fire place outside where we sit and sip champagne with another couple from Oregon on a Disneyland holiday. Lovely. As we get home, I know that I cannot keep seeing him but don’t say anything. Wimp! When he emails me again about going out, I tell him that I am traveling a lot over the next few weeks (true) and that perhaps we should revisit later. He is gracious in his response. I really need to work on being more honest and up front. I was able to do that with Franz but it’s harder with Bob and it’s not really nice to be too nice. I’m finding that even though I’m 40-something, I have a lot to learn. This is truly a growing experience.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Part 3: The Photo
Okay, let's be honest. We're all human. I would like to say that I read the profile and then, if I remember, I take a quick look at the photos but that they are not important. But... they are. Actually, I have reached out and responded to several guys who did not look awesome in their photos. I mean, I could be attracted to a great guy with whom I have a lot in common who was, well, unattractive. (Right?) Or maybe the photo does not do them justice. But truthfully, the photo carries a lot of weight.
So, now that I've confessed and that's out of the way, let's talk about the photos. In full recognition of what I have stated above, the photos are right at the top of the profile. You choose one to be displayed on the profile page and then can post others to be viewed as well. For my profile picture, I chose a nice shot of me with a big smile that I had taken professionally last year. I also added my 'corporate shot', a picture of me in Asia with some shrimp in hand (showing my 'fun side') and one of me any the boys in Chelsea at a soccer game. I guess the message behind the pictures is “I travel, my kids are important to me (and they are darn good looking), I like soccer and having fun, I HAVE a corporate shot and I smile.”
Entering the world of on line dating is interesting enough but one has to wonder about some of the pictures posted. I mean, what are these guys thinking???...
It goes without saying that someone who does NOT post a photo is probably suspect. Enough said. And yes, there are some.
There are some photo no-no's that I think would be obvious to most people. First, the fish shot. There are so many pictures of guys holding fish or, my favorite, the guy with a DEAD, BLEEDING fish. I also question anyone who is obviously taking their own picture. Don't they know ANYONE who could take a picture of them? I've seen many where the guy is obviously holding the camera out in front of him and the resulting photo has that sort of distorted look. Or my favorite, the guy taking a picture of himself in the mirror. So, he's standing there trying to look very cool BUT he's holding the camera. And since he couldn't decide, he posted 2 like that. And that's all. BUZZZZZZZZ!
There are a few categories that are personal hot buttons for me. So many of these guys have chosen a picture of themselves with their dog(s) as their PRIMARY photo. I mean, I can see having a picture with the dog(s) in there somewhere. But as the first thing you see? THIS is what you want me to know about you? One such photo was accompanied by this list of the things he was most passionate about “My family, my friends and my two Dobermans”. Not a match for me. There is NO mention of my cats anywhere in my profile. That probably wouldn't be a good idea, huh.
Another turn off for me is the photo of the guy with a mysterious 'hot' woman. No caption, just him with his arm around a fabulous, gorgeous woman. It just makes you wonder. I also find it odd that so many of these guys have pictures of themselves with famous people. Like that's so incredibly impressive. “Here I am with Kobe!” And he's standing there, looking like the cat that ate the canary, obviously just SO excited. Goofy. One guy actually posted a picture of himself as a 5 year old, standing there with Walt Disney. WOW. This must have been the highlight of his life. ARGH. (BUZZZZZZZZZZZ!)
There are also cases where the photo sort of 'tells it all'. Like the guy who had several pictures of himself next to his PT Cruiser with wood paneling. Someone once told me that you either love those cars or you hate them. Guess which side of that I'm on! Or the guy who's profile photo shows him donning a cute little train engineer cap standing next to an old time railroad car with the caption, “Fullerton Railroad Days 2006”. (I'm not making this up. I couldn't make this up.)
My favorite, though, has to be the men trying to show off their youthful bodies. There are various shots of shirtless guys. Often, they are doing macho, sweaty things like holding shovels or using saws. One guy actually had a picture of himself in one of those 'wife beater' t-shirts, holding a beer. I really thought maybe it was a joke – but I didn't take my chances. And my top pick was the guy sitting in a big chair with nothing but boxers on, legs spread apart slightly. Nothing showing but ARE YOU KIDDING? Amazing.
After looking at so many, I find that the photos really tell you a lot about the person and what they want you to know about them. Their interests, how they dress, where they vacation, whether they have kids... It's not so much about how they look after all. So, I absolve myself. But I do look at the pictures first. :-)
Next installment, The dreaded “Match Close” message.
So, now that I've confessed and that's out of the way, let's talk about the photos. In full recognition of what I have stated above, the photos are right at the top of the profile. You choose one to be displayed on the profile page and then can post others to be viewed as well. For my profile picture, I chose a nice shot of me with a big smile that I had taken professionally last year. I also added my 'corporate shot', a picture of me in Asia with some shrimp in hand (showing my 'fun side') and one of me any the boys in Chelsea at a soccer game. I guess the message behind the pictures is “I travel, my kids are important to me (and they are darn good looking), I like soccer and having fun, I HAVE a corporate shot and I smile.”
Entering the world of on line dating is interesting enough but one has to wonder about some of the pictures posted. I mean, what are these guys thinking???...
It goes without saying that someone who does NOT post a photo is probably suspect. Enough said. And yes, there are some.
There are some photo no-no's that I think would be obvious to most people. First, the fish shot. There are so many pictures of guys holding fish or, my favorite, the guy with a DEAD, BLEEDING fish. I also question anyone who is obviously taking their own picture. Don't they know ANYONE who could take a picture of them? I've seen many where the guy is obviously holding the camera out in front of him and the resulting photo has that sort of distorted look. Or my favorite, the guy taking a picture of himself in the mirror. So, he's standing there trying to look very cool BUT he's holding the camera. And since he couldn't decide, he posted 2 like that. And that's all. BUZZZZZZZZ!
There are a few categories that are personal hot buttons for me. So many of these guys have chosen a picture of themselves with their dog(s) as their PRIMARY photo. I mean, I can see having a picture with the dog(s) in there somewhere. But as the first thing you see? THIS is what you want me to know about you? One such photo was accompanied by this list of the things he was most passionate about “My family, my friends and my two Dobermans”. Not a match for me. There is NO mention of my cats anywhere in my profile. That probably wouldn't be a good idea, huh.
Another turn off for me is the photo of the guy with a mysterious 'hot' woman. No caption, just him with his arm around a fabulous, gorgeous woman. It just makes you wonder. I also find it odd that so many of these guys have pictures of themselves with famous people. Like that's so incredibly impressive. “Here I am with Kobe!” And he's standing there, looking like the cat that ate the canary, obviously just SO excited. Goofy. One guy actually posted a picture of himself as a 5 year old, standing there with Walt Disney. WOW. This must have been the highlight of his life. ARGH. (BUZZZZZZZZZZZ!)
There are also cases where the photo sort of 'tells it all'. Like the guy who had several pictures of himself next to his PT Cruiser with wood paneling. Someone once told me that you either love those cars or you hate them. Guess which side of that I'm on! Or the guy who's profile photo shows him donning a cute little train engineer cap standing next to an old time railroad car with the caption, “Fullerton Railroad Days 2006”. (I'm not making this up. I couldn't make this up.)
My favorite, though, has to be the men trying to show off their youthful bodies. There are various shots of shirtless guys. Often, they are doing macho, sweaty things like holding shovels or using saws. One guy actually had a picture of himself in one of those 'wife beater' t-shirts, holding a beer. I really thought maybe it was a joke – but I didn't take my chances. And my top pick was the guy sitting in a big chair with nothing but boxers on, legs spread apart slightly. Nothing showing but ARE YOU KIDDING? Amazing.
After looking at so many, I find that the photos really tell you a lot about the person and what they want you to know about them. Their interests, how they dress, where they vacation, whether they have kids... It's not so much about how they look after all. So, I absolve myself. But I do look at the pictures first. :-)
Next installment, The dreaded “Match Close” message.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Part 2: The Matches Begin
The process is actually genius. You are matched based on your test results for personality type plus your preferences. Your preferences are about distance, personal preference (children, age, smoking drinking), background and belief (religion, ethnicity, education, income) and height. You choose the level of importance for each area from very to not. Then, it starts...
With much anticipation, I start looking at the profiles of my matches. At the top there is a photo with a section listing what they are most passionate about and the most important thing they are looking for. The photos can be VERY interesting but more on that later. Then below, is basic information (occupation, age, height, want kids yes/no, ethnicity, religion, drinks, smokes). Then, the meat... Most influential person, life skills, most thankful for, can't live without, first thing people notice, leisure time, last book read, friends describe him as... WOW. So much info!
This is SO interesting and yet, disturbing. First of all, who knew that so many, many men were “sensitive” and “affectionate”? That they want to “hold hands on the beach”, “watch the sunset” and “cuddle” in their leisure time. RIGHT.
There are some things that eliminate a candidate for me right off the bat. First of all, TYPOS. (I hope there are none here or I'm being hypocritical!) I have a thing about typos and spelling in general. Obviously, it can be a sign of intelligence (or lack of) OR it's just a lack of caring! Here are my favorites. Right at the top – what is the most important thing he's looking for?? “Honosty”. Then there's the guy who was most influenced by his first manager who really helped him with his “carrier” and now he loves his job and has a great “carrier”. I'm not kidding. Here's a case of just not caring – first thing at the top: “I am msot passionate about loved ones.”. And what's the first thing people notice about Bob? His “sence of humor”. Oh brother. BUZZZZZZZZ!
There are other obvious turn offs for me. How about the guy who lists “really great sex” as something he can't live without? I mean, I'm cool with that being true but to just put it out there? BUZZZZZZZ! And the ones who talk about their divorces. That seems like kind of a 'no-no' to me on a profile! “I have a great relationship with my ex-wife” or “my family helped me through my divorce”. I don't know. This just sounds like a problem waiting to happen.
Also entertaining are the less-than-clever ways that guys try to indicate that they are fit. Some just say so and others create very long lists of things they like to do: “hiking, running, biking, going to the gym...”. And my favorite so far: “I am thankfull that I am height/weight proportiate and am blessed with great health.” (This is also a great example of the typo/spelling issue. BUZZZZZZZZ!)
I worry about the guys that cannot seem to answer the questions. First of all, if you can't answer the question, just leave it blank! Nothing gets posted. It's a portal. Do we all understand how this works? (Okay, maybe not.) Many profiles are full of comments like: “??? I can't think of anything in particular.” “I don't know. I've really never thought about it before.” And the EVER popular: “You'll find out when we meet.” Okee dokee.
Some of the matches are AMAZINGLY prolific. Into absolutely everything, perhaps hedging their bets! This guys spends his leisure time as follows: “...I enjoy the outdoors and sports. I snow ski, water ski, hike, bicycle, scuba dive, play tennis, raquetball, volleyball, table tennis, kayak, sail,work out at the gym and camp, for example. I enjoy going to the movies, listening to music, reading books, and chatting with friends. Once in a while I'll go on a trip abroad and over the years I have traveled to many parts of the world.” Sure.
The last group of 'turn offs' for me are the oversellers. I mean, they can be very goofy! Here's a good one: “My passions include: Family/kids, outdoors, activities, doing things together! I look forward to sharing more about us! Let's cook together,dance, hike/bike, swim, anything mtns/tropics related, garden veggies/herbs year round,work on home projects,walk hand 'n' hand to see the town,antique/shop,share a special day away--just u and I.... sports/fitness,build a roaring fire... antique,cuddle up to a movie,travel....im open to NEW activities with you~!” REALLY? Are you? With ME!! And yet you don't even know who I am yet. Gee, I can't wait. BUZZZZZZZ!
There are some very humorous responses as well – and I LOVE these. Like this guy: “I wish this weren't true but I am probably most passionate about the Chicago Cubs.” I HAD to reach out to the guy who said that the most important thing he was looking for was “not abducted by aliens” and that he couldn't live without “a good woman, or a bad one”. LOL!
Generally, I am pretty impressed. This has met my expectations so far - although my expectations were not high. Many appear to be quite intelligent, engaging and interesting. I DO realize that they could be making this stuff up but it's a start. As I dip my big toe into this sea of 'matches', I'm feeling a little encouraged – and VERY overwhelmed. I feel the sudden urge to eat some broccoli and go for a run. Next, the photos...
With much anticipation, I start looking at the profiles of my matches. At the top there is a photo with a section listing what they are most passionate about and the most important thing they are looking for. The photos can be VERY interesting but more on that later. Then below, is basic information (occupation, age, height, want kids yes/no, ethnicity, religion, drinks, smokes). Then, the meat... Most influential person, life skills, most thankful for, can't live without, first thing people notice, leisure time, last book read, friends describe him as... WOW. So much info!
This is SO interesting and yet, disturbing. First of all, who knew that so many, many men were “sensitive” and “affectionate”? That they want to “hold hands on the beach”, “watch the sunset” and “cuddle” in their leisure time. RIGHT.
There are some things that eliminate a candidate for me right off the bat. First of all, TYPOS. (I hope there are none here or I'm being hypocritical!) I have a thing about typos and spelling in general. Obviously, it can be a sign of intelligence (or lack of) OR it's just a lack of caring! Here are my favorites. Right at the top – what is the most important thing he's looking for?? “Honosty”. Then there's the guy who was most influenced by his first manager who really helped him with his “carrier” and now he loves his job and has a great “carrier”. I'm not kidding. Here's a case of just not caring – first thing at the top: “I am msot passionate about loved ones.”. And what's the first thing people notice about Bob? His “sence of humor”. Oh brother. BUZZZZZZZZ!
There are other obvious turn offs for me. How about the guy who lists “really great sex” as something he can't live without? I mean, I'm cool with that being true but to just put it out there? BUZZZZZZZ! And the ones who talk about their divorces. That seems like kind of a 'no-no' to me on a profile! “I have a great relationship with my ex-wife” or “my family helped me through my divorce”. I don't know. This just sounds like a problem waiting to happen.
Also entertaining are the less-than-clever ways that guys try to indicate that they are fit. Some just say so and others create very long lists of things they like to do: “hiking, running, biking, going to the gym...”. And my favorite so far: “I am thankfull that I am height/weight proportiate and am blessed with great health.” (This is also a great example of the typo/spelling issue. BUZZZZZZZZ!)
I worry about the guys that cannot seem to answer the questions. First of all, if you can't answer the question, just leave it blank! Nothing gets posted. It's a portal. Do we all understand how this works? (Okay, maybe not.) Many profiles are full of comments like: “??? I can't think of anything in particular.” “I don't know. I've really never thought about it before.” And the EVER popular: “You'll find out when we meet.” Okee dokee.
Some of the matches are AMAZINGLY prolific. Into absolutely everything, perhaps hedging their bets! This guys spends his leisure time as follows: “...I enjoy the outdoors and sports. I snow ski, water ski, hike, bicycle, scuba dive, play tennis, raquetball, volleyball, table tennis, kayak, sail,work out at the gym and camp, for example. I enjoy going to the movies, listening to music, reading books, and chatting with friends. Once in a while I'll go on a trip abroad and over the years I have traveled to many parts of the world.” Sure.
The last group of 'turn offs' for me are the oversellers. I mean, they can be very goofy! Here's a good one: “My passions include: Family/kids, outdoors, activities, doing things together! I look forward to sharing more about us! Let's cook together,dance, hike/bike, swim, anything mtns/tropics related, garden veggies/herbs year round,work on home projects,walk hand 'n' hand to see the town,antique/shop,share a special day away--just u and I.... sports/fitness,build a roaring fire... antique,cuddle up to a movie,travel....im open to NEW activities with you~!” REALLY? Are you? With ME!! And yet you don't even know who I am yet. Gee, I can't wait. BUZZZZZZZ!
There are some very humorous responses as well – and I LOVE these. Like this guy: “I wish this weren't true but I am probably most passionate about the Chicago Cubs.” I HAD to reach out to the guy who said that the most important thing he was looking for was “not abducted by aliens” and that he couldn't live without “a good woman, or a bad one”. LOL!
Generally, I am pretty impressed. This has met my expectations so far - although my expectations were not high. Many appear to be quite intelligent, engaging and interesting. I DO realize that they could be making this stuff up but it's a start. As I dip my big toe into this sea of 'matches', I'm feeling a little encouraged – and VERY overwhelmed. I feel the sudden urge to eat some broccoli and go for a run. Next, the photos...
Part 1: Getting Started with Online Dating
So here I am, a divorced single 40-something. I'm definitely not in a hurry to get remarried but I would love to try dating and having a nice relationship would be awesome. I work at home so it's hard to meet people. It's not like when I was in college and everyone I knew was single! This is tough.
I have tried the bar scene. You can definitely meet people there but it's difficult to know their motives. Many seem to be looking for a VERY short term relationship, if you know what I mean. :-) Also, I'm probably not living in the right place. I am NOT the typical So Cal/Orange County girl! I mean, I think I'm reasonably attractive, don't get me wrong. But perhaps my look would be better suited for Chicago or London. I don't have fake nails (although I do get professional manicures), my hair color is real (although a monthly visit to Kathy ensures it's my original real and not the 40-something version) and I haven't had plastic surgery (but I have some great push-up bras). So, I'm for real but with minor enhancements that I have chosen to feel are all about looking my best – LOL... And I'm at the bar, sitting next to guys who WANT to talk to me but keep being distracted by the gorgeous blondes with huge breasts wearing their daughter's clothes. Heck, even I'M distracted by them!
So, I decided to try out eHarmony. I like the idea of being matched based on more than height and age and I have a dear friend who met her husband there. These would be guys who would be making the effort to meet someone to establish some sort of longer term relationship and they would know before we went out that I'm not a size 2 blonde supermodel. They would be aware of my career and travel and would not be threatened by my outgoing personality. Sounds like it's worth a shot.
Encouraged by friends, I went on to just 'check it out'. These eHarmony people are SO smart and tricky. I began filling out the questionnaire, just to see what they would ask, and it was actually really interesting. It's just like other personality profiles we have all taken for one reason or another and you end up with a personality profile. No surprises, I've seen this before: “adaptable, perceptive, fair, collaborative, leader, outgoing, self aware...”. Okay, so this thing really works. Eventually, I run out of time and log off. The next day, my email is filled with eHarmony matches! I didn't press the 'go' button on this! They TRICKED me! AHHH! “Meet Bob, your new match” and “Get to know Mike, your new match”. Well, how could I resist? So I logged on and it started there...
First, I needed to update my profile. I didn't take it seriously the first time. They want to know the basics: age, occupation, height, spirituality, drinking habits... One would think this was the easy part... I fret over the details. Am I an “Executive at a high tech firm?” That sounds cool but is it too intimidating? Am I really an exec? My title has executive in it but I'm not a Director. I settle on “Sales Leader and Acquisitions at a Large Tech Firm”. Okay. So, drinking is multiple choice. Do I drink “once a week” or “several times a week”? I mean, I drink like 3 times a week. Several times sounds like I'm an alcoholic but once sounds boring. Sigh.
Then there is the 'in your own words' section... “Other than your appearance, what's the first thing people notice about you?” “What are 5 things you can't live without?” “What are you most passionate about?” “The 4 things your friends say about you are...” “How do you typically spend your leisure time?” WOW. This is hard. I mean, how do I want to represent myself? I begin thinking like the Sales person that I am. I write, I rewrite. Then,I realize that what I REALLY want to do is represent myself as MYSELF! DUH. So, it gets easier.
However, this begs the question, how honest are the men who I will be matched with? Yikes. I decide that they are probably no less honest than they would be if I met them in a bar so I move ahead. Little do I know, a little honesty can be pretty off-putting! More coming soon...
I have tried the bar scene. You can definitely meet people there but it's difficult to know their motives. Many seem to be looking for a VERY short term relationship, if you know what I mean. :-) Also, I'm probably not living in the right place. I am NOT the typical So Cal/Orange County girl! I mean, I think I'm reasonably attractive, don't get me wrong. But perhaps my look would be better suited for Chicago or London. I don't have fake nails (although I do get professional manicures), my hair color is real (although a monthly visit to Kathy ensures it's my original real and not the 40-something version) and I haven't had plastic surgery (but I have some great push-up bras). So, I'm for real but with minor enhancements that I have chosen to feel are all about looking my best – LOL... And I'm at the bar, sitting next to guys who WANT to talk to me but keep being distracted by the gorgeous blondes with huge breasts wearing their daughter's clothes. Heck, even I'M distracted by them!
So, I decided to try out eHarmony. I like the idea of being matched based on more than height and age and I have a dear friend who met her husband there. These would be guys who would be making the effort to meet someone to establish some sort of longer term relationship and they would know before we went out that I'm not a size 2 blonde supermodel. They would be aware of my career and travel and would not be threatened by my outgoing personality. Sounds like it's worth a shot.
Encouraged by friends, I went on to just 'check it out'. These eHarmony people are SO smart and tricky. I began filling out the questionnaire, just to see what they would ask, and it was actually really interesting. It's just like other personality profiles we have all taken for one reason or another and you end up with a personality profile. No surprises, I've seen this before: “adaptable, perceptive, fair, collaborative, leader, outgoing, self aware...”. Okay, so this thing really works. Eventually, I run out of time and log off. The next day, my email is filled with eHarmony matches! I didn't press the 'go' button on this! They TRICKED me! AHHH! “Meet Bob, your new match” and “Get to know Mike, your new match”. Well, how could I resist? So I logged on and it started there...
First, I needed to update my profile. I didn't take it seriously the first time. They want to know the basics: age, occupation, height, spirituality, drinking habits... One would think this was the easy part... I fret over the details. Am I an “Executive at a high tech firm?” That sounds cool but is it too intimidating? Am I really an exec? My title has executive in it but I'm not a Director. I settle on “Sales Leader and Acquisitions at a Large Tech Firm”. Okay. So, drinking is multiple choice. Do I drink “once a week” or “several times a week”? I mean, I drink like 3 times a week. Several times sounds like I'm an alcoholic but once sounds boring. Sigh.
Then there is the 'in your own words' section... “Other than your appearance, what's the first thing people notice about you?” “What are 5 things you can't live without?” “What are you most passionate about?” “The 4 things your friends say about you are...” “How do you typically spend your leisure time?” WOW. This is hard. I mean, how do I want to represent myself? I begin thinking like the Sales person that I am. I write, I rewrite. Then,I realize that what I REALLY want to do is represent myself as MYSELF! DUH. So, it gets easier.
However, this begs the question, how honest are the men who I will be matched with? Yikes. I decide that they are probably no less honest than they would be if I met them in a bar so I move ahead. Little do I know, a little honesty can be pretty off-putting! More coming soon...
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