Okay, let's be honest. We're all human. I would like to say that I read the profile and then, if I remember, I take a quick look at the photos but that they are not important. But... they are. Actually, I have reached out and responded to several guys who did not look awesome in their photos. I mean, I could be attracted to a great guy with whom I have a lot in common who was, well, unattractive. (Right?) Or maybe the photo does not do them justice. But truthfully, the photo carries a lot of weight.
So, now that I've confessed and that's out of the way, let's talk about the photos. In full recognition of what I have stated above, the photos are right at the top of the profile. You choose one to be displayed on the profile page and then can post others to be viewed as well. For my profile picture, I chose a nice shot of me with a big smile that I had taken professionally last year. I also added my 'corporate shot', a picture of me in Asia with some shrimp in hand (showing my 'fun side') and one of me any the boys in Chelsea at a soccer game. I guess the message behind the pictures is “I travel, my kids are important to me (and they are darn good looking), I like soccer and having fun, I HAVE a corporate shot and I smile.”
Entering the world of on line dating is interesting enough but one has to wonder about some of the pictures posted. I mean, what are these guys thinking???...
It goes without saying that someone who does NOT post a photo is probably suspect. Enough said. And yes, there are some.
There are some photo no-no's that I think would be obvious to most people. First, the fish shot. There are so many pictures of guys holding fish or, my favorite, the guy with a DEAD, BLEEDING fish. I also question anyone who is obviously taking their own picture. Don't they know ANYONE who could take a picture of them? I've seen many where the guy is obviously holding the camera out in front of him and the resulting photo has that sort of distorted look. Or my favorite, the guy taking a picture of himself in the mirror. So, he's standing there trying to look very cool BUT he's holding the camera. And since he couldn't decide, he posted 2 like that. And that's all. BUZZZZZZZZ!
There are a few categories that are personal hot buttons for me. So many of these guys have chosen a picture of themselves with their dog(s) as their PRIMARY photo. I mean, I can see having a picture with the dog(s) in there somewhere. But as the first thing you see? THIS is what you want me to know about you? One such photo was accompanied by this list of the things he was most passionate about “My family, my friends and my two Dobermans”. Not a match for me. There is NO mention of my cats anywhere in my profile. That probably wouldn't be a good idea, huh.
Another turn off for me is the photo of the guy with a mysterious 'hot' woman. No caption, just him with his arm around a fabulous, gorgeous woman. It just makes you wonder. I also find it odd that so many of these guys have pictures of themselves with famous people. Like that's so incredibly impressive. “Here I am with Kobe!” And he's standing there, looking like the cat that ate the canary, obviously just SO excited. Goofy. One guy actually posted a picture of himself as a 5 year old, standing there with Walt Disney. WOW. This must have been the highlight of his life. ARGH. (BUZZZZZZZZZZZ!)
There are also cases where the photo sort of 'tells it all'. Like the guy who had several pictures of himself next to his PT Cruiser with wood paneling. Someone once told me that you either love those cars or you hate them. Guess which side of that I'm on! Or the guy who's profile photo shows him donning a cute little train engineer cap standing next to an old time railroad car with the caption, “Fullerton Railroad Days 2006”. (I'm not making this up. I couldn't make this up.)
My favorite, though, has to be the men trying to show off their youthful bodies. There are various shots of shirtless guys. Often, they are doing macho, sweaty things like holding shovels or using saws. One guy actually had a picture of himself in one of those 'wife beater' t-shirts, holding a beer. I really thought maybe it was a joke – but I didn't take my chances. And my top pick was the guy sitting in a big chair with nothing but boxers on, legs spread apart slightly. Nothing showing but ARE YOU KIDDING? Amazing.
After looking at so many, I find that the photos really tell you a lot about the person and what they want you to know about them. Their interests, how they dress, where they vacation, whether they have kids... It's not so much about how they look after all. So, I absolve myself. But I do look at the pictures first. :-)
Next installment, The dreaded “Match Close” message.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Part 2: The Matches Begin
The process is actually genius. You are matched based on your test results for personality type plus your preferences. Your preferences are about distance, personal preference (children, age, smoking drinking), background and belief (religion, ethnicity, education, income) and height. You choose the level of importance for each area from very to not. Then, it starts...
With much anticipation, I start looking at the profiles of my matches. At the top there is a photo with a section listing what they are most passionate about and the most important thing they are looking for. The photos can be VERY interesting but more on that later. Then below, is basic information (occupation, age, height, want kids yes/no, ethnicity, religion, drinks, smokes). Then, the meat... Most influential person, life skills, most thankful for, can't live without, first thing people notice, leisure time, last book read, friends describe him as... WOW. So much info!
This is SO interesting and yet, disturbing. First of all, who knew that so many, many men were “sensitive” and “affectionate”? That they want to “hold hands on the beach”, “watch the sunset” and “cuddle” in their leisure time. RIGHT.
There are some things that eliminate a candidate for me right off the bat. First of all, TYPOS. (I hope there are none here or I'm being hypocritical!) I have a thing about typos and spelling in general. Obviously, it can be a sign of intelligence (or lack of) OR it's just a lack of caring! Here are my favorites. Right at the top – what is the most important thing he's looking for?? “Honosty”. Then there's the guy who was most influenced by his first manager who really helped him with his “carrier” and now he loves his job and has a great “carrier”. I'm not kidding. Here's a case of just not caring – first thing at the top: “I am msot passionate about loved ones.”. And what's the first thing people notice about Bob? His “sence of humor”. Oh brother. BUZZZZZZZZ!
There are other obvious turn offs for me. How about the guy who lists “really great sex” as something he can't live without? I mean, I'm cool with that being true but to just put it out there? BUZZZZZZZ! And the ones who talk about their divorces. That seems like kind of a 'no-no' to me on a profile! “I have a great relationship with my ex-wife” or “my family helped me through my divorce”. I don't know. This just sounds like a problem waiting to happen.
Also entertaining are the less-than-clever ways that guys try to indicate that they are fit. Some just say so and others create very long lists of things they like to do: “hiking, running, biking, going to the gym...”. And my favorite so far: “I am thankfull that I am height/weight proportiate and am blessed with great health.” (This is also a great example of the typo/spelling issue. BUZZZZZZZZ!)
I worry about the guys that cannot seem to answer the questions. First of all, if you can't answer the question, just leave it blank! Nothing gets posted. It's a portal. Do we all understand how this works? (Okay, maybe not.) Many profiles are full of comments like: “??? I can't think of anything in particular.” “I don't know. I've really never thought about it before.” And the EVER popular: “You'll find out when we meet.” Okee dokee.
Some of the matches are AMAZINGLY prolific. Into absolutely everything, perhaps hedging their bets! This guys spends his leisure time as follows: “...I enjoy the outdoors and sports. I snow ski, water ski, hike, bicycle, scuba dive, play tennis, raquetball, volleyball, table tennis, kayak, sail,work out at the gym and camp, for example. I enjoy going to the movies, listening to music, reading books, and chatting with friends. Once in a while I'll go on a trip abroad and over the years I have traveled to many parts of the world.” Sure.
The last group of 'turn offs' for me are the oversellers. I mean, they can be very goofy! Here's a good one: “My passions include: Family/kids, outdoors, activities, doing things together! I look forward to sharing more about us! Let's cook together,dance, hike/bike, swim, anything mtns/tropics related, garden veggies/herbs year round,work on home projects,walk hand 'n' hand to see the town,antique/shop,share a special day away--just u and I.... sports/fitness,build a roaring fire... antique,cuddle up to a movie,travel....im open to NEW activities with you~!” REALLY? Are you? With ME!! And yet you don't even know who I am yet. Gee, I can't wait. BUZZZZZZZ!
There are some very humorous responses as well – and I LOVE these. Like this guy: “I wish this weren't true but I am probably most passionate about the Chicago Cubs.” I HAD to reach out to the guy who said that the most important thing he was looking for was “not abducted by aliens” and that he couldn't live without “a good woman, or a bad one”. LOL!
Generally, I am pretty impressed. This has met my expectations so far - although my expectations were not high. Many appear to be quite intelligent, engaging and interesting. I DO realize that they could be making this stuff up but it's a start. As I dip my big toe into this sea of 'matches', I'm feeling a little encouraged – and VERY overwhelmed. I feel the sudden urge to eat some broccoli and go for a run. Next, the photos...
With much anticipation, I start looking at the profiles of my matches. At the top there is a photo with a section listing what they are most passionate about and the most important thing they are looking for. The photos can be VERY interesting but more on that later. Then below, is basic information (occupation, age, height, want kids yes/no, ethnicity, religion, drinks, smokes). Then, the meat... Most influential person, life skills, most thankful for, can't live without, first thing people notice, leisure time, last book read, friends describe him as... WOW. So much info!
This is SO interesting and yet, disturbing. First of all, who knew that so many, many men were “sensitive” and “affectionate”? That they want to “hold hands on the beach”, “watch the sunset” and “cuddle” in their leisure time. RIGHT.
There are some things that eliminate a candidate for me right off the bat. First of all, TYPOS. (I hope there are none here or I'm being hypocritical!) I have a thing about typos and spelling in general. Obviously, it can be a sign of intelligence (or lack of) OR it's just a lack of caring! Here are my favorites. Right at the top – what is the most important thing he's looking for?? “Honosty”. Then there's the guy who was most influenced by his first manager who really helped him with his “carrier” and now he loves his job and has a great “carrier”. I'm not kidding. Here's a case of just not caring – first thing at the top: “I am msot passionate about loved ones.”. And what's the first thing people notice about Bob? His “sence of humor”. Oh brother. BUZZZZZZZZ!
There are other obvious turn offs for me. How about the guy who lists “really great sex” as something he can't live without? I mean, I'm cool with that being true but to just put it out there? BUZZZZZZZ! And the ones who talk about their divorces. That seems like kind of a 'no-no' to me on a profile! “I have a great relationship with my ex-wife” or “my family helped me through my divorce”. I don't know. This just sounds like a problem waiting to happen.
Also entertaining are the less-than-clever ways that guys try to indicate that they are fit. Some just say so and others create very long lists of things they like to do: “hiking, running, biking, going to the gym...”. And my favorite so far: “I am thankfull that I am height/weight proportiate and am blessed with great health.” (This is also a great example of the typo/spelling issue. BUZZZZZZZZ!)
I worry about the guys that cannot seem to answer the questions. First of all, if you can't answer the question, just leave it blank! Nothing gets posted. It's a portal. Do we all understand how this works? (Okay, maybe not.) Many profiles are full of comments like: “??? I can't think of anything in particular.” “I don't know. I've really never thought about it before.” And the EVER popular: “You'll find out when we meet.” Okee dokee.
Some of the matches are AMAZINGLY prolific. Into absolutely everything, perhaps hedging their bets! This guys spends his leisure time as follows: “...I enjoy the outdoors and sports. I snow ski, water ski, hike, bicycle, scuba dive, play tennis, raquetball, volleyball, table tennis, kayak, sail,work out at the gym and camp, for example. I enjoy going to the movies, listening to music, reading books, and chatting with friends. Once in a while I'll go on a trip abroad and over the years I have traveled to many parts of the world.” Sure.
The last group of 'turn offs' for me are the oversellers. I mean, they can be very goofy! Here's a good one: “My passions include: Family/kids, outdoors, activities, doing things together! I look forward to sharing more about us! Let's cook together,dance, hike/bike, swim, anything mtns/tropics related, garden veggies/herbs year round,work on home projects,walk hand 'n' hand to see the town,antique/shop,share a special day away--just u and I.... sports/fitness,build a roaring fire... antique,cuddle up to a movie,travel....im open to NEW activities with you~!” REALLY? Are you? With ME!! And yet you don't even know who I am yet. Gee, I can't wait. BUZZZZZZZ!
There are some very humorous responses as well – and I LOVE these. Like this guy: “I wish this weren't true but I am probably most passionate about the Chicago Cubs.” I HAD to reach out to the guy who said that the most important thing he was looking for was “not abducted by aliens” and that he couldn't live without “a good woman, or a bad one”. LOL!
Generally, I am pretty impressed. This has met my expectations so far - although my expectations were not high. Many appear to be quite intelligent, engaging and interesting. I DO realize that they could be making this stuff up but it's a start. As I dip my big toe into this sea of 'matches', I'm feeling a little encouraged – and VERY overwhelmed. I feel the sudden urge to eat some broccoli and go for a run. Next, the photos...
Part 1: Getting Started with Online Dating
So here I am, a divorced single 40-something. I'm definitely not in a hurry to get remarried but I would love to try dating and having a nice relationship would be awesome. I work at home so it's hard to meet people. It's not like when I was in college and everyone I knew was single! This is tough.
I have tried the bar scene. You can definitely meet people there but it's difficult to know their motives. Many seem to be looking for a VERY short term relationship, if you know what I mean. :-) Also, I'm probably not living in the right place. I am NOT the typical So Cal/Orange County girl! I mean, I think I'm reasonably attractive, don't get me wrong. But perhaps my look would be better suited for Chicago or London. I don't have fake nails (although I do get professional manicures), my hair color is real (although a monthly visit to Kathy ensures it's my original real and not the 40-something version) and I haven't had plastic surgery (but I have some great push-up bras). So, I'm for real but with minor enhancements that I have chosen to feel are all about looking my best – LOL... And I'm at the bar, sitting next to guys who WANT to talk to me but keep being distracted by the gorgeous blondes with huge breasts wearing their daughter's clothes. Heck, even I'M distracted by them!
So, I decided to try out eHarmony. I like the idea of being matched based on more than height and age and I have a dear friend who met her husband there. These would be guys who would be making the effort to meet someone to establish some sort of longer term relationship and they would know before we went out that I'm not a size 2 blonde supermodel. They would be aware of my career and travel and would not be threatened by my outgoing personality. Sounds like it's worth a shot.
Encouraged by friends, I went on to just 'check it out'. These eHarmony people are SO smart and tricky. I began filling out the questionnaire, just to see what they would ask, and it was actually really interesting. It's just like other personality profiles we have all taken for one reason or another and you end up with a personality profile. No surprises, I've seen this before: “adaptable, perceptive, fair, collaborative, leader, outgoing, self aware...”. Okay, so this thing really works. Eventually, I run out of time and log off. The next day, my email is filled with eHarmony matches! I didn't press the 'go' button on this! They TRICKED me! AHHH! “Meet Bob, your new match” and “Get to know Mike, your new match”. Well, how could I resist? So I logged on and it started there...
First, I needed to update my profile. I didn't take it seriously the first time. They want to know the basics: age, occupation, height, spirituality, drinking habits... One would think this was the easy part... I fret over the details. Am I an “Executive at a high tech firm?” That sounds cool but is it too intimidating? Am I really an exec? My title has executive in it but I'm not a Director. I settle on “Sales Leader and Acquisitions at a Large Tech Firm”. Okay. So, drinking is multiple choice. Do I drink “once a week” or “several times a week”? I mean, I drink like 3 times a week. Several times sounds like I'm an alcoholic but once sounds boring. Sigh.
Then there is the 'in your own words' section... “Other than your appearance, what's the first thing people notice about you?” “What are 5 things you can't live without?” “What are you most passionate about?” “The 4 things your friends say about you are...” “How do you typically spend your leisure time?” WOW. This is hard. I mean, how do I want to represent myself? I begin thinking like the Sales person that I am. I write, I rewrite. Then,I realize that what I REALLY want to do is represent myself as MYSELF! DUH. So, it gets easier.
However, this begs the question, how honest are the men who I will be matched with? Yikes. I decide that they are probably no less honest than they would be if I met them in a bar so I move ahead. Little do I know, a little honesty can be pretty off-putting! More coming soon...
I have tried the bar scene. You can definitely meet people there but it's difficult to know their motives. Many seem to be looking for a VERY short term relationship, if you know what I mean. :-) Also, I'm probably not living in the right place. I am NOT the typical So Cal/Orange County girl! I mean, I think I'm reasonably attractive, don't get me wrong. But perhaps my look would be better suited for Chicago or London. I don't have fake nails (although I do get professional manicures), my hair color is real (although a monthly visit to Kathy ensures it's my original real and not the 40-something version) and I haven't had plastic surgery (but I have some great push-up bras). So, I'm for real but with minor enhancements that I have chosen to feel are all about looking my best – LOL... And I'm at the bar, sitting next to guys who WANT to talk to me but keep being distracted by the gorgeous blondes with huge breasts wearing their daughter's clothes. Heck, even I'M distracted by them!
So, I decided to try out eHarmony. I like the idea of being matched based on more than height and age and I have a dear friend who met her husband there. These would be guys who would be making the effort to meet someone to establish some sort of longer term relationship and they would know before we went out that I'm not a size 2 blonde supermodel. They would be aware of my career and travel and would not be threatened by my outgoing personality. Sounds like it's worth a shot.
Encouraged by friends, I went on to just 'check it out'. These eHarmony people are SO smart and tricky. I began filling out the questionnaire, just to see what they would ask, and it was actually really interesting. It's just like other personality profiles we have all taken for one reason or another and you end up with a personality profile. No surprises, I've seen this before: “adaptable, perceptive, fair, collaborative, leader, outgoing, self aware...”. Okay, so this thing really works. Eventually, I run out of time and log off. The next day, my email is filled with eHarmony matches! I didn't press the 'go' button on this! They TRICKED me! AHHH! “Meet Bob, your new match” and “Get to know Mike, your new match”. Well, how could I resist? So I logged on and it started there...
First, I needed to update my profile. I didn't take it seriously the first time. They want to know the basics: age, occupation, height, spirituality, drinking habits... One would think this was the easy part... I fret over the details. Am I an “Executive at a high tech firm?” That sounds cool but is it too intimidating? Am I really an exec? My title has executive in it but I'm not a Director. I settle on “Sales Leader and Acquisitions at a Large Tech Firm”. Okay. So, drinking is multiple choice. Do I drink “once a week” or “several times a week”? I mean, I drink like 3 times a week. Several times sounds like I'm an alcoholic but once sounds boring. Sigh.
Then there is the 'in your own words' section... “Other than your appearance, what's the first thing people notice about you?” “What are 5 things you can't live without?” “What are you most passionate about?” “The 4 things your friends say about you are...” “How do you typically spend your leisure time?” WOW. This is hard. I mean, how do I want to represent myself? I begin thinking like the Sales person that I am. I write, I rewrite. Then,I realize that what I REALLY want to do is represent myself as MYSELF! DUH. So, it gets easier.
However, this begs the question, how honest are the men who I will be matched with? Yikes. I decide that they are probably no less honest than they would be if I met them in a bar so I move ahead. Little do I know, a little honesty can be pretty off-putting! More coming soon...
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