I was really looking forward to a date with David. He’s the guy with the really great sense of humor that I mentioned earlier. In his profile, under “The most important thing David is looking for in a person is:” His response? “never abducted by aliens”. The “things David can’t live without:”, his response is “a good sunset, good company, a good meal, a good drink, a good woman or a bad one”. Too funny! He’s a corporate controller and is 46 years old. How does he “typically spend his leasure time”? “Spending time with family and friends, tinkering, travel & exploring”. Okay, so I reach out to him. We get through the ‘guided communication’ and start to send email via eHarmony.

In my email, I start by asking him if he goes by David or Dave. His response? “I usually go by David, hey you, or excuse me sir. Rarely do I go by Fred.” We agree to meet for a drink during cocktail hour on a week night. I am happy so excited! He’s funny and we seem to have a lot of common interests. He’s an amateur chef! Wow… very cool.

As I walk up to the restaurant, he’s standing in front. He recognizes me from my pictures and waves. I smile. As we sit down and order drinks, I ask him to tell me more about his job. He works for small holding company and is involved in acquisitions. Great! I say, “Oh, I work with acquisitions as well!” Blank look. He continues, telling me about his career in general. We move to vacations. He likes to scuba so I ask him to share more about this. He was in Hawaii, Big Island, and I hear about his scuba adventure there. I tell him, “Hey! I was on the Big Island last year. I loved it!” “Oh, great.” No questions, no interest. And he’s not really that funny either.

Okay, this is so strange. He has spent 30 minutes talking about himself and has asked me nothing. I know all about his parents, his sister, his job, his vacations – but he knows nothing about me. It becomes a game for me. I ask him questions and pepper him with opportunities to learn more about me. “You took your niece on a trip to Vegas? I took my kids there after Christmas to see a show.” Nothing. “Your mother worked in an interesting job in the defense industry? My mother started working when I went to high school.” Silence. Wowwww…

After a while, I tire of this game. I am disappointed and really can’t wait to leave. As we walk out, David says that it would be fun to get together again. I say, “Sure, send me a note.” Wimp, wimp, wimp!! However, when he does write, it’s very easy for me to respond: “Hi, David. I don't think it makes sense for us to see each other again. Good luck to you!” Ahhhh. It feels good to be able to be more direct. I’m learning!!

Date #2: Franz

Franz is very open and easy to communicate with. He’s a furniture designer and is German. I mean, FROM Germany and his only been in the US for a few years. Given that I'm enamored with Europe, this is a good thing in my mind. We move through the ‘guided communication’ and quickly end up in email mode. He’s traveling to India for a couple of weeks to meet with his suppliers. Franz has 2 boys in college, who he adores, and seems quite anxious for us to get together. He responds almost immediately to my notes and he is delightful. He asks my opinion on his furniture creations and we have a lively exchange. We decide to meet for lunch when he returns.
I arrive at the restaurant and he has brought me a lovely pashmina from India. Franz is a good looking man and very animated. I like him immediately. We order lunch and start talking.
We talk a lot about our jobs. He loves his work and is very creative, which I think is great. He is quite successful and creative. Franz’s sons have just been home for spring break and he has LOVED being with them. He begins to share a story about Wolfgang. Franz has found condoms in Wolfgang’s things. Franz tells me of his exchange with his son: “Wolfgang, you must respect the woman.” I’m feeling uncomfortable but I maintain eye contact. “Always remember, Wolfgang, the woman is the host.” HUH? Did you just stay that? The host of what? OHHHHH. Um, okay. He babbles on as I consider crawling under the table but it passes and we move on to other topics.
While we talk, he reaches over and asks me if he can hold my hand – which he does. I’m quite uncomfortable with this and begin to look around the room to see if there is anyone that I know in the area. I agree but quickly find a reason to scratch my head and my hand disappears under the able, never to be seen again.
A friend has given him a book to read, which he devoured on the flight to India. It’s about the five languages of love. Maybe you have heard about it – I have but have not read it. Franz starts to share this with me in his very German accent. “There is giving of gifts, touch, acts of service…” I smile and lean forward with interest but I feel a strong sense of doom. He continues: “I think to myself, how do I want to receive love? I being to eliminate things – I don’t need gifts…” I am growing more uncomfortable. I want to float over the table and disappear. But, again, I maintain eye contact, smile, and he continues… “I think to myself, ‘Franz, how do I want someone to fill my love cup?’”. Your love cup? Okay, I’m the ‘host’ and he has a ‘love cup’. I’m just not feeling it now.
Everything after that is a blur. I have to say that I am looking for an emotionally available, communicative person so the system seems to be working. But this may be a bit extreme for me. I just want to leave. When we do go, I don’t have the heart to tell him that I don’t want to see him again. He sends me email and wants to get together again 2 days later and, in the meantime, would love it if I showed up at his local bar that night. I reply that I don’t think ‘it makes sense’ for us to see each other again. He sends me a note saying that he has doubts as well so it’s all for the better. I feel like a jerk.

Date #1: BOB

First, let me make it clear that names are changed to protect the innocent. I mean, these guys are going to a LOT of trouble to find someone and I’m about to ‘tell all’. So…

Bob seems like a good guy. He’s 54, 5’10” and his occupation? “Own 3 companies on Southern California.” That’s cool. How does Bob spend his leisure time? “Finding new restaurants in amazing locations...Travel to places I have on my to-see to see what the world is all about.” Restaurants? Travel? Sounds pretty good.

So he reaches out through the ‘guided communication’ with a few questions. They are all appropriate – and about socializing and going out, which is great. Here’s an example of a question he chose and my response:

If you were taken by your date to a party where you knew no one, how would you respond?
A) stay close to my date, letting him/her introduce me
B) find a spot at the back bar and relax alone, letting him/her work the room
C) strike out on my own, introducing myself and making friends
D) I would ask my partner if I could skip this particular event

I chose to create my own response:
E) I'm very social so comfortable in this setting. Assuming this is a party with your friends, I would let you take the lead on how we would 'work the room'.

Now, I send him some questions. Examples:
Where do you see yourself living in 15 years?
A) a nice apartment in the city
B) a house in the suburbs
C) a house in a small town
D) a house in the country

His reply:
I WILL have a place at the beach in south OC AND a home in Lake Tahoe, on the Nevada side...
Oh, nice… 
We continue to communicate and ultimately decide to go out. (Gulp) In preparation for this event I need to tell you that my profile lists 5 things I ‘can’t do without’ as:
• Purpose - Doing something well and contributing
• Positive environment - The room & the people in it
• Music - Music colors my mood
• Chips & salsa - Can't stop once I start!
• Companionship and connection
So… it’s date day and we’re meeting for lunch at a very nice local spot. There is mass chaos at my house that morning, of course, as my son is leaving to go back to school from spring break. I was expecting him to be gone sooner but he’s still here, in need of some help so as I am putting on make up and fixing my hair, I’m also helping him get his stuff in the car and feeling guilty about ‘shooing’ him off so that I can make it to my date on time. Argh!
I’m absolutely mortified. I’m nervous, not sure I’m wearing the right thing (Tammy helped me decide!) and would like nothing better than to back out of the whole thing. But, I make my way. I walk into the restaurant and the hostess takes me to the table. There is Bob – I recognize him from his photo. He stands up to greet me, gives me a hug and I notice two things. First, there are CHIPS AND SALSA on the table. This restaurant doesn’t have chips and salsa. Oh boy. That is COOL. And the flowers. Beautiful flowers. Ahhh, nice.
So, what is the first thing I say? “Oh my God, I’m so nervous.” Ha! DOOH! But he calms me down and we start talking. VERY nice guy. But.. he looks older than 54, he’s not 5’10 AND, he’s not quite divorced yet. Just separated. Ohhhh.
This is a really good guy. Very nice, easy to talk to, lots in common. But, I’m not attracted to him. It seems that he really does own 3 companies (gorgeous Lexus parked outside) and he has traveled a lot. He has done business with Disney and really likes the company. He name drops a bit – knows Dick Clark and family, had dinner with Simon Cowell recently, knows the Eisner family, etc. But all in all, quite a nice event and since he’s very traditional, no ‘pressure’, if you know what I mean. At the end of the meal, I ask if he wants to split the bill. He says, “No, and don’t ever ask me that again.” I agree to go out with him the next week. He gives me his email: Disneyguy@.... Hmmm. Eisner? Disney?

Bob is taking me to a restaurant at, yes, the Disneyland Resort. Okay, it’s a VERY nice restaurant and high end but I’m suspicious of the Disney angle. He picks me up in a beautiful big black Lexus and as we drive up to the resort, it appears that he knows the valet parking folks. Evidently, he eats here 2-3 times a week! We tour the lobby and pool area as if he owns the place and get to dinner. Absolutely lovely – excellent service (they ARE his friends, after all!), fantastic food and delicious wines. We talk and it’s nice but again, just no attraction for me. I am really looking for a connection and there’s just nothing going on. I search for this because despite my concern about the Disney obsession, this is a very nice guy and he’s such a gentleman. Plus, we have good conversation but it’s just not there. Why is it that you are so attracted to some people and not others? I mean, we all know it’s a mystery but particularly so when you are reaching out to find it.

The evening ends by a big fire place outside where we sit and sip champagne with another couple from Oregon on a Disneyland holiday. Lovely. As we get home, I know that I cannot keep seeing him but don’t say anything. Wimp! When he emails me again about going out, I tell him that I am traveling a lot over the next few weeks (true) and that perhaps we should revisit later. He is gracious in his response. I really need to work on being more honest and up front. I was able to do that with Franz but it’s harder with Bob and it’s not really nice to be too nice. I’m finding that even though I’m 40-something, I have a lot to learn. This is truly a growing experience.